Telling Journeys: F is for Foster, Family, and Frantz

With Our Special Guest: Sarah Frantz

Sarah has been around and worked with children of all ages for most of her life. At only eleven years old she had her first babysitting job, so when it came to fostering, there was no question about it. Sarah is a stay at home mom and is beginning a new journey with the foster system. She has begun the process of becoming a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate). She says that “even though we are done fostering. I don’t feel like I’m finished helping yet. CASA is another way to advocate for foster kids.”

Sarah’s journey began with foster care when her and her husband found out they were unable to conceive. For her it was the first option and it had been something she had thought about since she was a child herself, as she new two children in the foster system when she was little. Sarah and her husband were originally licensed in LA county. They were immediately placed with a four month old, who’s family all had criminal records. The baby was supposed to be, “long term/adoption likely,” but just a few short weeks later, the judge approved an aunt to take custody of him. Sarah and her husband were only given two hours before the baby was moved from their home and into the home of the aunt. It was right after that, Sarah’s husband got promoted and transferred to Antelope Valley. From there they decided to move to Tehachapi. With that, they had to then be licensed in Kern County. The process was much faster but still took several months.

Eventually they got the call. A sister and brother, ages three and two years old needed a foster home. The placement was only supposed to be for six months at most, so even though Sarah and her husband had only expected to take in one child at a time, they said yes. The kids were dropped off, everyone was nervous. They had found out on a Tuesday that the children would be moving in on that Thursday. Sarah set up the room for the siblings and had Play-Doh and lots of toys set out. Her and her husband were ready for them, ready to play with them and get to know the children. They hoped the fun toys and room would help to relax them into their new home and make the transition easier. It was a good thing they did, as the two children had been severely neglected. It was a huge change and very challenging. “The first few months were so stressful that I lost about twenty-five pounds due to stress, couldn’t eat or sleep.” Despite the hardships, Sarah and her husband kept going, determined to do what they could for the young siblings. “After about three months it started to get easier and by six months we felt like a family.” For about two and a half years their case continued. The sibling’s other parents did not show up to most of the visits, and when they did it was never a long visit. They rarely did their part, even showing up to court cases was rare. Sarah did her best, she did all she could for the brother and sister. She went to every court date and meeting and in the end, her and her husband were named, “PAP” (Prospective Adoptive Parents). “They try not to terminate parental rights unless an adoptive family is already lined up, at least that is how things are handled with younger children. The situations are different and often times harder for older children. On 11/16/18, National Adoption Day, Sarah and her husband were named the legal family of the siblings and all of the adoption paperwork was completed.

Though extremely rewarding, being a foster parent is not easy. Every case is different and there are so many variables. In Sarah’s family, the words, “bio,” and “birth” are not said. They simply understand that they have another mom and dad. Like any form of parenting, there are hard times and easy times, but in foster care there is more people involved and a parent cannot simply do what they choose, or think is right for the child they are fostering. Even the smallest of decisions have to be talked over and approved. Even after caring for these kids for months or even years, “you still have to ask permission to do something as simple as get their hair trimmed out of their faces so they can see at school, like a babysitter. It’s a strange dichotomy.” There are so many hoops parents have to go through. It begins with very in-depth interviews, paperwork, trainings, security clearances, and licensing, to just name a few.

“When it is all done correctly and it works out right, the system is a vital net for neglected and abused children. Children are removed from their homes, their parents are given services to improve their lives, like rehab and addiction help, parenting and job training classes, mental health services helping getting housing, etc. And then the family is reunified. From what I’ve seen though, like in our case, too many parents don’t take advantage of the reunification services, and end up losing their kids. Many of those kids will go on to be adopted by a good family, but many will bounce around the system until they age out, which is eighteen, unless they choose to be a part of a program that will mentor them until they are twenty-one, as long as they are working or in school.”

As you have probably realized by now, fostering is a huge step and can be very hard and challenging. Many people talk about how folks get paid for fostering, but these payments do not come in right away, they take weeks after a child is taken in to get to the family and they are only a reimbursement, not really a payment and many foster families spend far more to make these children comfortable than these reimbursement checks are. It is emotional and you have to be ready for both the wonderful and the difficult times. “Watching the kids’ hearts beak when we had to say good-bye or when their other parents stood them up. As they get older the questions just keep getting harder. Trying to answer my daughter when she asked why her other mom chose drugs over her almost killed me. As hard as the journey to get here was, I have no doubt that I couldn’t get pregnant for a reason, these kids were always supposed to be mine.”

Before the fostering system, there were orphanages. Though there are not any left in the US, or very few, typically they are group homes for older children. The foster system was put into play, with the ultimate goal being that the parents and children receive the care they need until the time comes that they are able to be reunited. Fostering is something I have heard many families consider doing. If you are one of those families, here are some things to think about. “I recommend going through whatever county you live in, though most will refer you to FFA (Foster Family Agency). Through county you get your own fostering license, so you are more like an independent contractor. Through an agency, you go on their license, so you are more like an employee. There are pros and cons to both, for anyone interested, I always recommend going to at least one orientation for each and see what feels right to you.” Depending on the area you live in will depend on how many calls you get about fostering. In a county such as Los Angeles, you will of course get far more calls than in Kern County. “In LA county the calls never stop, but they have something like 50,000 kids in care. Kern County, in comparison, has about 1,800.” Sarah goes on to say, “besides the orientation advice I listed above, try to understand that it will be harder than you could ever imagine, but be kind to yourself, you can do it. If I can, anyone can. It's a hard road but it is so worth it! If you are thinking to yourself that you could never do it because you’d get too attached, that actually means you’d be perfect for the job. What these kids need to thrive, above all else, is attachment.” If you are looking to help families until they can be reunited, with the possibility of adoption, then fostering is the road you should take, but if you are only looking to adopt, than going the private route would be a better way to go.

Fostering takes your all, just like any form of parenting, but in different ways and with added complications. In the end though, fostering is clearly a very rewarding and most incredible experience.

If you have a journey of your own you would like to share, an accomplishment, a dream come true, a hardship, a passion or hobby, please contact me to discuss how to be a part of this inspiring blog. Thank you for reading, Telling Journeys.